Spy vs. Spy
Kevin Wilson
Bomb
Description: Black, spherical, classic.
Intended Use: To be ignited and dispensed quickly.
Field Report: Rolled under Spy’s car. Does not explode. Agency is called to retrieve unexploded bomb. Cost of removal deducted from paycheck.
Final analysis: Unreliable.
Knife
Description: Steel, sharp, shiny.
Intended Use: To be used in close quarters, preferably on dance floor of large discothèque.
Field Report: Unable to entice Spy onto dance floor. Keep waving Spy over, sending free drinks. Spy will not budge. Not Spy’s type, apparently.
Final Analysis: Useless.
Gun
Description: Accurate, black-market, high-powered assault.
Intended Use: To be aimed and fired, preferably at Spy’s head.
Field Report: Trigger pulled, clicking noise produced. Spy’s head bobs along to music on Walkman, still intact. Bullets needed.
Final Analysis: Promising?
Poison
Description: Powdery, tasteless, odorless.
Intended Use: To be sprinkled in Spy’s soup during friendly lunch date.
Field Report: Spy eats heartily. Grows very ill. Spends the rest of the day throwing up. Does not die. Refuses to go back to that restaurant.
Final Analysis: Ineffective.
Love
Description: All conquering, all around, all you need.
Intended Use: To be given and then abruptly rescinded, causing Spy’s heart to break.
Field Report: Subsequent dates reveal Spy to be incredibly sensitive and charming, with a sense of humor. Spy’s requests to move things forward eagerly accepted. Wedding small and tasteful. House purchased in suburbs because the schools are better. Lipstick found on Spy’s collar. Spy promises to go to marriage counseling. Decide to give it another try.
Final Analysis: Ongoing.
Toaster
Description: Silver, electric, domestic.
Intended Use: To be dropped in Spy’s bathtub.
Field Report: When questioned, cannot think of reason for presence of toaster in the bathroom. Spy begins locking door when bathing. Tentative knocks receive no reply.
Final Analysis: Worthless.
Deathblow
Description: Fast, lethal, ancient Chinese secret.
Intended Use: To be swiftly administered with edge of hand against a spot just slightly above Spy’s Adam’s apple.
Field Report: Requests to help straighten Spy’s necktie are refused. Unclear about exact location of “just slightly above Adam’s apple,” which leads to over-analysis and crippling performance anxiety.
Final Analysis: Potential unfulfilled.
Kindness
Description: Selfless, considerate, thoughtful.
Intended Use: To be used until Spy is killed.
Field Report: Spy is overwhelmed and slightly baffled by so much attention and helpfulness. Spy becomes uneasy and purchases large-screen TV to show gratitude. Death does not occur.
Final Analysis: Just a saying.
Blunt Heavy Object
Description: Blunt, heavy, objective.
Intended Use: To be swung, aiming for back of Spy’s head.
Field Report: Heavy objects not blunt enough. Blunt objects a little too light.
Final Analysis: Hard to find.
Boredom
Description: Endless, unceasing, like watching paint dry.
Intended Use: Unclear.
Field Report: Spy reads paper. Spy suddenly looks up and asks, “Did you say something?” No. Spy returns to reading paper. Spy unexpectedly looks out the window and speaks fondly of a time when cheating death was an adventure. No response. Spy shrugs and goes to the kitchen for a beer. Spy watches TV for a little while but nothing good is on.
Final Analysis: Inconclusive
Bare Hands
Description: Old school, cost-efficient, cliché?
Intended Use: To be used for punching, choking, gouging, breaking, and killing
Field Report: In bed, Spy shrugs away from touch. Spy says, “Cut it out, seriously.” Spy has had a long day and isn’t in the mood. Eventually, Spy takes pillow and goes to sleep on the sofa.
Final Analysis: Strangely Impersonal
The Inevitability of Death
Description: Scientific fact, not proud, waits for no man.
Intended Use: To be used only as a last resort. Requires no additional action.
Field Report: Spy learns of a troubling shadow on x-ray. Spy becomes very religious. Spy vows to “beat this thing” but sounds worried. Spy learns to appreciate the little things in life. Spy succumbs after valiant struggle, with loved one at side, who, despite repeated warnings from Agency, has grown to respect adversary. Spy’s request to have Stairway to Heaven played on bagpipes at funeral is honored. Spy hardly cold in the grave before Agency sends message: New Spy. Would be perfect for you. Pick New Spy up at eight. New Spy talks endlessly about the latest in printless fingertips and keeps touching his wineglass to demonstrate. Over sixteen different opportunities arise to eliminate New Spy but all of the possibilities seem too good for him. New Spy keeps encouraging consumption of wine. New Spy does not offer to pay when check arrives. In New Spy’s bedroom, later that night, New Spy talks about feeling a real connection. New Spy talks about how he’s been hurt before and isn’t sure he wants to rush things. New Spy starts to talk about mutual respect and then New Spy is off the bed, feet barely brushing the floor, lariat around his neck. New Spy hardly puts up a fight, doesn’t even see it coming, and then it is over. Spy would never have fallen for that one, always shrugging off any offers for neck massages, refusing requests for piggy-back rides. Spy thought of fondly. “I’m so sorry,” whispered repeatedly, but no one is around to hear. Empty vials of poison fall out of New Spy’s coat during preparation for corpse removal. Wine at dinner consumed in great amounts. Dizziness and difficulty breathing ensues. A vision appears of an endless string of Spies, bludgeoned, blown up, broken-hearted. Agency en route for corpse removal. Evitable becomes inevitable.
Final Analysis: Incredibly effective. Mission Accomplished.
Kevin Wilson was born, raised, and still lives in Tennessee. His work has appeared in Ploughshares, Cincinnati Review, One Story, Greensboro Review, and New Stories from the South 2005.